I wrote up a little (big) something just for the heck of it, and I wanted to post it here in hopes of getting a chortle or two from the users. That being said, before I get my Wailord-sized piece started, I'd like to get a few disclaimers out of the way.







So. Pokémon evolutions. They're pretty cool, right? You get this awesome monster, and then it turns into an even more awesome monster! But, as with all things, there are drawbacks.

The drawback here is that some of these evolutions are really, REALLY stupid.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that the Pokémon in themselves are particularly dumb; it's merely the progression to that point that seems non sequitur.

And by non sequitur I mean stupid.

GENERATION 1
Let's start from the beginning: the classic first generation starter Pokémon! Bulbasaur evolves into Ivysaur and eventually reaches its pinnacle as Venusaur. Charmander starts out cute, then steadily makes its way to becoming the fierce Charmeleon, finally finishing its evolution into the dragon-like Charizard.

And then we get to Squirtle.

Now, I have to say, Squirtle and its evolutions are just as cool as the other starters. But there's something a little off-kilter about the whole thing. Let's go through the steps, shall we?

We start off with Squirtle, a cute little blue turtle with a big curly tail. Then we get to Wartortle, having gained a fluffy tail and little fuzzy ears. A bit strange, but nothing to really complain about. Then finally we get to Blastoise, a giant turtle that has cannons protruding from its shell.

Wat.

My only guess is that somewhere along the way, Wartortle visited the NRA to get some custom-made hydraulic firearms to stick on its back in an effort to compete with the other starters. Can we say overkill?

Unfortunately, this is only the tip of the iceburg. Guys, it gets WORSE.

Luckily we go through 51 more Pokémon before hitting anything really ridiculous. I'm talking about Poliwag, here.

At first it seems like nothing is wrong. It's a tadpole, plain and simple. Then, such as most tadpoles do, it develops arms and strong legs. So far, so good. Then, in the moment of truth, it hits its final stage and...

...Grows fingers. And looks a little angrier. And gets a new type. I think we just got duped, guys. Much to our relief, Nintendo eventually rectified this by giving us Politoed, but the initial trauma still lingers.

Now let's talk about Exeggcute. It's an egg, right? Well, a bunch of eggs. I'm emphasizing this here, they're EGGS. So of course the logical course of evolution is for them to turn into a giant palm tree with coconuts for faces that stomps around. I'm somehow slightly offended.

Oh, Kabuto. See, I LOVE Kabuto. I always picked the Kabuto fossil over the Omanyte one. It looks so much cooler, and so does its evolution, Kabutops. However, when you stop to consider that Kabuto is based off of horse shoe crabs... how in the world did it suddenly develop bipedal legs and sickle arms? Maybe this has something to do with why it went extinct.

Now, I've got a major bone to pick with this one. I have a grudge here. A chip on my shoulder. This is the thing that makes me want to punch Nintendo in the teeth. Okay? Here it goes.

Dratini.

Dratini was part of a set of Pokémon that, for roughly four or five games straight, were the ONLY dragon-type Pokémon in the game. Ever. So of course it's to be expected that these were to basically be the most awesome things ever. Let's start with Dratini. Blue and slinky and huggable and ADORABLE. Cute eyes, cute face, cute EVERYTHING. This thing beats Pikachu in pretty much everything by a long shot. Then it gets even better: it evolves into Dragonair. Keeping the same basic body shape that Dratini sports, it boasts a new-found elegance that makes it look graceful and aesthetically pleasing. It's COOL, hands down, plain and simple. And yet... hmm, it seems as though it still has one more stage to evolve into. But how could they possibly make Dragonair even BETTER?

AAAAAUUUUUGH NOT LIKE THIS

Meet Dragonite, the biggest disappointment of a Pokémon to ever rear its ugly--and I mean UGLY--head. With all the built-up expectations that its predecessors inspired, the expected result and the real result don't match up. How does Dragonite resemble Dragonair or Dratini in any way? Okay, it's got a little horn on its head. Annnnnd... that's it? Really? This orange abomination, sporting feeble wings that couldn't possibly lift its grotesquely obese body more than ten feet in the air, is where 55 levels of hard work went.

This.

Shigeru Miyamoto, I'm out for your blood.

GENERATION 2
Okay, setting my nerd rage aside, let's continue on. We've finally hit the second generation of Pokémon, introducing another 100 monsters and an entirely new region to explore for Gold and Silver. How refreshing it is to see new things, new places, and entirely new ways Nintendo insists on defying Charles Darwin.

It might be of interest to know that sheep are one of my favorite animals. Upon seeing Mareep, I was stricken with an intense glee and proceeded to lick the screen of my Gameboy Color (this is a hyperbole). Having captured one of these alluring beasts, I set myself to raising it to its full potential. And it does evolve rather quickly, becoming Flaaffy at level 15. It loses a bit of wool, but so what? It's still my adorable electric sheep. Then it hits level 30 and, um...

I don't think this is a sheep. This new thing is pretty cool, but... where did my sheep go?

I have no idea what just happened here.

Okay, next up we have Pineco. Sounds like a really bad name for a furniture company, but hey, it's a pretty straight forward Pokémon. It's... well, it's a pinecone. I mean come on. It has an evolution, though, and this evolution happens to be... um...

what is this supposed to be someone please explain this

They're both bug types, this much is given to us. But not only does Forretress in no way resemble a bug, it doesn't resemble... anything, really. I almost want to say Nintendo gave us this Pokémon as a subtle gesture of flipping us the bird.

I like Octillery. Octillery is pretty rad. It's really the token octopus Pokémon in the entire series so far, and unless Nintendo decides to produce more games, it'll probably stay that way. Yet I cannot help but be baffled by how Remoraid, a FISH, turned into Octillery, an OCTOPUS. "Oh, sure, they're both aquatic animals," you might say. Bees and birds both fly, though, so that's not going to cut it. Let me describe to you what it would take for a human to turn into an octopus, and you can go ahead and apply that to a fish and see how much sense it makes.



At this point, I think I just feel bad for Remoraid.

GENERATION 3
We've now hit the third generation, with another 135 adorable abominations to collect. If you thought the madness had ended, you are quite wrong, although I feel as though nothing could possibly top the Octillery mess.

Okay, we now find ourselves up against Shroomish, an endearingly grumpy fungus with two nubby little legs. While it has relatively little physical definition, tradition dictates that this is not in any way going to stop Nintendo from doing something entirely ridiculous. Enter Breloom, a creature that resembles a mushroom about as much as your face resembles a car wreck (results may vary). This Pokémon looks more like a raptor or a kangaroo crossed with one of the Toads from Mario. Aside from the little cap, I can see no reason for it to be associate with mushrooms... or Fighting types, for that matter.

In another Darwin-defying stunt, Nintendo provides us with Clamperl, possibly the more diva-like elder sister to the more immature Shellder. That aside, we have another example of the Remoraid/Octillery fiasco... only in reverse, and doubled. Again, clams are mollusks (from the same phylum as the octopus), which makes it pretty confusing when Clamperl evolves intoaaaaAAAAAAAAGH

...evolves into Huntail, which is clearly a (very creepy) eel. Gorebyss could probably also pass off for an (eerily feminine) eel, so at least we're not straying into double jeopardy territory where a clam can alternately evolve into a shark or a jellyfish. Most important, though, is that we're not decapitating ourselves and stuffing our organs into our heads.

GENERATION 4
This more or less brings and end to the third generation, leaving us with the new Pokémon introduced in Diamond and Pearl. So far as weird evolutions go, however, there are hardly any to be found here; you might have noticed that the amount of weird instances dropped pretty drastically after the original games were made. All the brand-new Pokémon that have been introduced more or less have sensical progressions, so for a moment I was worried that my nerd tyrade would have to end here. No such luck, unfortunately.

Back in Gold and Silver, Nintendo decided to add Baby stages to a small handful of Pokémon, most notably the very odd trio of Jynx, Electabuzz and Magmar. This time they've come back around to give some first generation monsters a third evolution. Thankfully they didn't pick Jynx for this batch, but the results are still pretty terrifying.

Most of these new evolutions' crimes are merely minor transgressions--mostly it's that they now only barely resemble what they were supposed to look like in the first place. Magnezone is only kind of magnet-y, Rhyperior hardly look rhinoceros-y, and Electivire mostly just looks like... actually, I really have no words to decribe Electivire. I'm sure there are proper words somewhere, but I might have to read Lovecraft's works before I can find them.

The real offender here is Magmortar. I always thought Magmar was weird to begin with, and wasn't entirely thrilled about Magby when it was introduced. Magmortar makes me appreciate them now. The reason for this is because, following Blastoise's example, Magmar's evolution mysteriously managed to produce firearms. And I mean this literally. Magmortar has flamethrowers for arms.

What.

The.

Fffffff

Apparently someone on the game design team didn't think the original Pokémon was bizarre enough and decided to fix this. The same could be said for the others mentioned above, but this makes Magmortar the only one besides Blastoise to have anything resembling human weaponry as a part of its physique. The only thing I can be thankful of, again, is the fact that they didn't pick Jynx for this particular upgrade. I can only imagine where they would have stuck the laser cannons.

And so our long and severely over-thought exploration of bizarre Pokémon evolution comes to an end. It was fun, and mostly tedious, and to be honest I don't think there's a moral or lesson we can glean from this besides "Nerds have nothing better to do."

I just dug my own grave there, didn't I.

I have only one word for this.
Roflmao.

... Yes. I wholeheartedly agree. I'm most offended by Rhyperior, but I've always endlessly loved Rhyhorn and Rhydon.

All I know is, if they give Kangaskhan an evolution, I'm gonna kick someone's ass.

EFFING ROFLWAFFLE!

This entire thing was effing hilarious and you are now God in my eyes. But that sheep line made me burst into hysterics and literally cry from all the laughter. That and the comment about where Jynx's firearms would be. ;3 I could think of two good places. *cough*

But I agree with you completely on every single one!

I want to thank you for writing this completely epic topic that gave me a major laughing fit for about five minutes. You made Dr. Pepper come out of my nose. And despite how painful that was, you rulez teh internetz.

A-

Kinda surprised Magikarp wasn't mentioned, but overall a good read.

*moves topic*

This is a good point, it starts off as a fish, then transforms into some kind of dragon thingy that can now fly. Imo, Nintendo should have made Gyarados the evolution of dragonair, it has much more of a resemblance, no?

I see what you are getting at since as you mentioned, the Charmander line went: Cute salamander, bigger, tougher salamander to a big, tough dragon, it had changed so that it still made sense and they looked similar. Wartortle to Blastoise makes no sense, it grew cannons? AND its tail that was rather big, completely shrank to a tiny size, great waste of making a big tail in the first place.

Glameow to Purugly, why? Why? Why!? WHY!?!?!? Why does a skinny, pretty cat change to a fat, hideous looking cat!? Who would ever evolve their Glameow if it turned in to Purugly!?

Feebas to Milotic, yeah, obviously ugly fish turn in to pretty sea serpents, yeah, that works! *rolls eyes*

Magikarp to Gyarados.......there are no words for it, you just know it doesn't make sense.

Bagon line, it would just be easier evolving Bagon straight to Salamance, Shelgon just doesn't look right as the one between them. O_o

Trapinch, OMG IT IS A THING THAT EVOLVES IN TO A BUG WITH WINGS! IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!!!

This post has been edited by MoogleSam: Oct 18 2009, 05:33 PM

Man, I'm so glad this has been getting positive responses! :'D It's good to know that people here have a sense of humor and can look at these things without getting all wound up about it! Some people just seem way to uptight, you know?

And here I am to address some questions! Being a highly educated (pfffft) individual, I do in fact have reasons why some Pokémon weren't mentioned in the original rant.

Pokémon Evolution Gone Wrong Part 2: The Outtakes!

I have an answer to your dilemmas with Magikarp's evolution! The answer lies within Japanese folklore, and trust me, there's a lot of Pokémon that just don't make sense period without a little inside knowledge in that field. But fear not! I am here to explain.

See, it's a common Chinese (and subsequently Japanese) myth that koi, or carp, attempt to swim upstream and up waterfalls at some point in their life. If they succeed in swimming up the entire length of the river and jump over the gate at the top of the waterfall, known as the Dragon's Gate, they undergo a transformation into a dragon. While obviously a caricature, Gyrados is meant to resemble the classic image of an Asian dragon: long and serpentine with "whiskers", albeit without the usual clawed arms. There's a thread on the subject, with a nice compact summary right in this post here. So now you know why Magikarp jumps, and why it turns into a dragon!

I actually had to do a little research on this one, but there actually is a reason for Trapinch turning into what looks like a dragonfly!

Trapinch is actually based off an antlion, a type on insect that, in its larval stage, digs pits in the sand in order to trap prey and eat them. And if you take a look at the adult form of the insect in question, it DOES actually resemble a dragonfly. The only thing that really ever bugged me *rimshot* about Flygon is why they had to turn a dragonfly into an all-out dragon. A pun, maybe? Aside from that, though, it makes sense otherwise. Maybe I should have added this in the first place...

So there you have it! A little tl;dr, as is my style, but now you know! And knowing is half the battle! G.I. JOE YEEEEEAAAAAH

As for Feebas and Milotic... I'll think of something. Maybe. Eventually.

Although I thought you were a god, you are THE God.

Let's try not to deify me too much, otherwise I might start acting like the mods start throwing lightning bolts at those who defy me.

...lol, too much. SURE YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND CALL ME A GOD JUST A LITTLE BIT I DON'T MIND

I just read that and.
ROFL.
I was about to say the magikarp-->Gyarados thing but then I read the rest of the board.

I don't really like Flygon either, its eyes, to me, make it look more like a bug than a dragon. Dragon with giant bug eyes? No, just no, don't ruin the image of a dragon by giving it bug eyes! DX

Hm, Gyarados does kind of make sense now but it doesn't fly at all so why is it a flying type? So a fish turns in to a dragon like creature flying type that can not fly...

And as you mentioned Jynx earlier, it did not need a pre-evolution, its pre-evolution looks cute but Jynx does not, it becomes ugly when it evolves. Plus the only things similar between them are their hair and lips, otherwise they look nothing alike!

Elekid and Electivire, ok who's idea was it to ruin Electabuzz? Elekid is alright since it goes well with Electabuzz but Electivire, what the hell were they trying to do with it!? It doesn't look like something it would evolve in to!

Magby and Magmortar. *sighs* Magby looks alright but it doesn't look like it would evolve in to Magmar and Magmortar, what the hell happened!? It became fat and grew weapons! It looks nothing like Magmar!!

Rhyperior......not going to complain about that one, I see how that one looks similar to Rhydon. XD

I knew it!
I spent high school algebra reading a book on Japanese mythology.
I just never mention the theory, because I thought I would be wrong. XD

Best post ever!

I have to agree with most of this, especially Rhydon's evolution. I loved Rhydon and then they made it evole into some ugly thing....

I also agree 100 percent on the Dratini thing, I don't see how something like Dragonair, which is rather magistic, becomes a Big dragon thing that holds nothing in common, feature wise, with Dratini or dragonair.

/rant over

"So now you know why Magikarp jumps, and why it turns into a dragon!"
splash is hop in japan
its annyoing that other poekmon know splash.. (does not make sense when spoink uses splash but if you call it hop its works fine)
splash sould be magikarp's signature move

poliwrath is weird :P
muk and grimer are toooo! similar!

bewdew looks nothing like roselia
(i guees it its a rose bud but its too round! can't they make it look more rose like!)