[X] My Assistant

[ShrapnelStars]

I know myself extremely well because I'm the only person that's been around me long enough to get to do so. My dad is the only person who knows me really well, and that's because we have similar personalities.

I'm not much for talking. I prefer to listen to other people and watch them. I like to stay aware of my environment and the people that inhabit it. I also prefer to keep to myself when given the option. This is because I don't trust other people very often. It takes a lot for me to trust someone.

I'm also very logical and practical. I know that seems to clash with my Faith and my gravitation towards art, writing, dreams, and symbolism, but for me, they feel intertwined and inseparable, and they belong together. I feel like I can see the world for what it is and see people and who they are without any embellishment, and through that, I can depict and describe the world and other people in a way that is fantastic, yet relatable, naming the unnameable facets of life that people can't seem to put their finger on, yet they know are there.

I'm very calm and a bit more on the stoic side. A lot of people tell me I'm very funny because I'm more of a deadpan, snarky type. I don't know. I don't make snarky jokes to get attention. I do it to entertain myself and relieve my frustration. There are some things in the world that are just so weird, horrific, or insane, that I have no choice but to laugh at them. There isn't too much shock value left in the world. Someone's always going to do something wild, so there's no surprise when it happens. How it happens is the interesting part. It's not that I don't care. I'm simply not surprised at things too much anymore.

I may appear cold on the outside, but my goodness, that's far from true. I enjoy seeing people happy, and I love lighthearted things. Romance is not one of these things, though, but I'll touch on that later. I love comedy and I love heartwarming, sweet stuff. I love the ethereal and the mysterious. All the things I keep myself surrounded with are of a positive or dreamlike nature. I've been diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression, so those things, along with my medications, keep me at peace. I've had a penchant for them even before I was diagnosed.

I only had friends in high school. When they moved away and we all split paths, I was devastated. I wish I had more friends, but I don't want to have to deal with more pain if I lose the next batch, so I don't bother getting to know people. The loss of my two "big brothers" hurt me the most. I can't even talk to the one I was the absolute closest to because he's married now. You know, social politics and all. I'm asexual and not even attracted to him in the first place, but good luck telling a wife that. He was just...so kind and so gentle. He always told me that everything would be alright, that I was worth getting to know, that I shouldn't be afraid to talk to people. He made me feel wanted. We were like a Big Daddy and Little Sister from Bioshock. (Ohdeargodi'mgettingtearyeyed)

I've lost a lot of friends to romance, which is one of the reasons I absolutely hate it. (Something like the above situation, or a friend turned on me, or something like that is always what happens. ALWAYS.) My two previously mentioned best friends stopped talking to each other over a girl. (The girl my closest friend married in the end.) It's been a few years, and I still sometimes shed a few tears over losing them. It was hell on my mind and my heart, and I am not exactly in the mood to pile up more emotional turmoil by gaining and subsequently losing more friends. Eff that noise.

Beautiful segue into my next bit, actually. I feel the most comfortable around males. Most of my bullies and aggressors throughout my life have been female. Most of my most trusted companions and caretakers have been male. It's a reinforcing ring. I have to constantly take note of my environment because sometimes, I'll start to get panicky and anxious and not know why. Upon closer examination, it'll occasionally be because there are only females in the immediate area (the other reasons would be that the area is dirty or loud). I'll have to remind myself that they aren't trying to hurt me or anything to get myself to calm back down. It's not a "OMG WOMENZ IZ GUNNA KILL ME I HAET DEM!!!11!1!!" thing. It's a subtle, subconscious, but by no means weak, fear.

There are other things about me I can explain, complete with reasons why, symbolism, and all that other good stuff, but they're classed as mature (despite not being so, to be perfectly honest). It sucks because they tie in to my main motivation for doing a lot of the things I do: I like to feel safe and protected. I might explain them on my tumblr or something. I don't know. Just thinking out loud.

[cereza13]

I scare myself too much to know