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William Stormtalon, Don't know if I did this right
The Majestic Mr ...
post Feb 19 2014, 01:30 AM
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Name:William "Willie" Stormtalon

Age: 18

Hometown: Aspertia City

Appearance: Brown hair styled in a mini-afro, blue/grey eyes, Caucasian.
He wears a blue shirt with a black hoodie, tan cargo pants with a black belt, and brown glasses.
He wears white shoes with black lining on the bottom and white laces.
His height is 5' 7''. He weighs 120 lbs.

Personality: Willie, as he prefers to be called, is a loyal friend to his Pokemon and his human friends as well. He likes to fight, and will never pass up a challenge. His laid-back attitude usually gets him in trouble, but his friends are always there when he needs it.

Background: At the age of thirteen, Willie left his hometown of Aspertia to pursue new challenges. After spying on them training one day in Flocessy Town, he was c chosen by the legendary Swords of Justice to look after Keldeo, their newest member. Willie continued his adventure in Unova, eventually becoming strong enough to defeat the champion. Afterward, he left Keldeo to train at Pledge Grove. Willie then continued on, catching all of the Pokemon in the Unovian Pokedex, and gained access to the faraway Nature Preserve. There he met his soon-to-be-friend, Alduin, his shiny Haxorus. Alduin eventually became one of the most reliable allies on his team. Willie then went back to Pledge Grove, and there, standing proud in his new Resolute Forme, was Keldeo. Happily returning to the team, Keldeo had grown strong, and soon became Willie's most powerful Pokemon. After some time, and meeting the infamous trainer N and getting the legendary Pokemon Reshiram, Willie set his sights on the newly built Join Avenue. The avenue got so successful, that Willie changed the name to Red Avenue, after his idol growing up. A year afterward. Willie returned home, dropping off his Pokemon at Professor Juniper's lab. All except for Keldeo. Willie told Keldeo to train hard at Pledge Grove, and set off to start a new adventure.

Class: Ace Trainer (Unova Champion)

Starters:
Snivy (♀)
Nickname: Holly
Level: 10
Moves: Vine Whip, Tackle, Leaf Tornado

Electrike (♂)
Nickname: None
Level: 10
Moves: Spark, Bite, Thunder Fang







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Kamaitachi
post Feb 19 2014, 09:17 PM
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Taggarty Lee



Hello!

We tend to want a good sized paragraph for Appearance and personality. A little more input there would be much appreciated for us readers happy.gif

Also "Likes to fight" and "Laid back" seem a bit contradictory? Is there a way you can smooth this over?

"His friends are always there when he needs it" is a great start to a personality trait. Is this because he's warm and caring, or is he just that charismatic?

Background:

I get a little weary when I see "Chosen One" characters. The fact that the Swords of Justice took him in sets us up for a little "Marty Stu" personality, where he's just a little too good at everything. His starter was a Legendary Pokemon, and we don't get the reason WHY the Swords of Justice chose him. He catches ALL of the Pokemon, including an incredibly rare Shiny. He mets N AND Reshiram, etc.

Just like shinies, legendaries are very rare in the PANE world, so it seems out of place that a character would've met so many before even arriving.

What made him want to start a new adventure? Why did he choose Furoh? Why did he step down as Champion? How did he meet Holly and Electrike? Did he catch them in Unova?

Also, at current, one of the characters in PANE is related to the Unova Champion.

So, for me, I'd love to see some tweaks to Willie to make him seem a little less perfect.

Thanks happy.gif


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The Majestic Mr ...
post Feb 19 2014, 11:01 PM
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Ok, it's been edited to the best of my ability, and here it is now:
Willie was born in Aspertia while the story of Pokemon White was going on. (He won't be part of it, just is alive while the hero is on his/her quest) He lived in Aspertia until he was thirteen, along with his rival, Hugh. (For all intent and purposes, consider Hugh not to be the rival of Nate/Rosa in White/Black 2) Hugh received a Tepig from Professor Juniper, as Bianca wasn't her aide at the time. The other two Pokemon, Snivy and Oshawott, had already been chosen, unfortunately, so Willie would have to wait a year to receive a Pokemon. One day, on a visit to Flocessy Town with his mother, he found a secret pathway through the trees. it led to the Pledge Grove, a place that was said to be where the Swords of justice trained. As he approached, he saw them, and quickly hid amongst the trees. He watched them spar, Cobalion and Keldeo first, then Virizion, and finally Terrakion. He stepped closer, and accidentally brushed against one of the branches, giving himself up. Cobalion glared at him, and was ready to attack until Virizion intervened. Willie wasn't sure, but it looked like they were talking amongst each other. They occasionally looked at Keldeo, and then at Willie. As to why the Swords of Justice chose him, it was due to the fact that Keldeo's training was going south. Keldeo was defeated in nearly all of his sparring matches with the Swords. They saw a potential within Willie, and the way he battled effectively with Keldeo proved that. As for Holly, her egg was a gift from Willie's rival, Hugh, after the rescue of Hugh's sister's Leipard from Team Plasma. Electrike he met on Route 10, after the route had been cleared up following the landslide and collapse of most of Victory Road. Willie often says things or do actions that just pop into his head. This, obviously, would lead to him getting in trouble frequently. He likes to fight, the challenge excites him. Growing up, he watched his idol, Red, defeat countless trainers, and that experience inspired him to challenge everyone to become the best. Willie's decision was a hard one to make. He didn't want to leave his family and friends, especially Keldeo, who was with him from the start. However, Willie stepped down as Champion because he was bored of Unova. He wanted to explore the countless other regions, and maybe even meet Red himself. He chose Furoh, as he heard that several gyms with dual-typed leaders were popping up. Willie wanted to challenge these Gyms and prove he could defeat them even if their dual typing gave him a disadvantage. That is why he told Keldeo to stay at Pledge Grove. Willie wanted Keldeo to train, so that when he returned, they both would be stronger.

This post has been edited by The Majestic Mr L: Feb 20 2014, 04:15 PM


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Nintendo 3DS FC: 1950-9577-7656
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Toogee
post Feb 20 2014, 09:18 AM
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If no one minds that I chime in on some stuff...

QUOTE
Most of the rest of his description just followed the storyline of White 2, just with my character added.


That's kinda the issue here. We want you to make your own story, not copy the game's story word for word. The main characters in the pokemon games are Marty Stus because Pokemon isn't a character-driven RPG. They're just generic placeholders so you can play the game. There's no need for them to have deep personalities or complex back stories. That's what PANE is for. People join to show another side of that world and go far deeper than the games allow.

Willie's story is the story in White 2. I played that game already. Show me something new.

QUOTE
Willie, being laid back, often says things or do actions that just pop into his head.


That's not laid back. "Laid back" means relaxed, carefree, not quick to violence. It would be more accurate to write: "Willie doesn't think before he acts."

QUOTE
he heard that several famous trainers, like Blue and Silver, were creating Gyms!


This was fifty years ago. Neither of them are gym leaders. You may be better off saying "He wanted the challenge of fighting dual-typed gyms"


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The Majestic Mr ...
post Feb 20 2014, 12:08 PM
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I've fixed most of it. Tell me what else I need to work on, and I'll fix it.


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Kamaitachi
post Feb 21 2014, 03:05 PM
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Taggarty Lee



Hello again! Kamai tagging back in!

So...looks like you're still pretty much following the story of White 2. Hugh, who isn't the Hugh from the story, is evidently still that same Hugh, because he still has to rescue his sister's Liepard from Team plasma. Much of the biography is still the story of White 2, just with explanations as to why it isn't.

Again, this still doesn't explain why the Swords of Justice would choose Willie to train Keldeo. He just happens to stumble upon them, and they're like: "well, guess this kid can help."

Does Willie possess some remarkable qualities? Is he an upholder of justice, or is he a surprisingly strong trainer? I can't imagine they saw him as a strong trainer, because he hadn't yet received a Pokemon to start his journey. So they tested him, and he was just an Ace right off the bat? This is what we mean by "Marty-Stu" characters. Willie is just too good at what he does to the point where he doesn't seem real.

Holly hatched from an egg after he met Keldeo?

Now, I can tell the editing wasn't particularly thought out, because you mention that Willie steps down as the Champion, despite the fact that you never mention him becoming Champion.

Also, nitpicky, but please be sure to organize the biography and personality sections. There are a bit about personality that I'd prefer to see in the Personality section.

I'm sorry if we seem super nitpicky, but we since there's a lot of PvP, it gets messy if everyone was already a champion or already some fantastic trainer.

My recommendation is to start from scratch and try to come up with a new backstory for the character. I know it's a bit time consuming, but I promise that it's worth it.


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