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Alan Wolf
KingAlan
post Jun 3 2012, 06:59 PM
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Name: Alan Wolf

Age: 16

Appearance: A black-haired teen. Is average height: 5 ft 6 in. No beard, mustache, or goatee. Shaggy hair with it going over his left eye. Black T-shirt with a red Pokeball. Has a black leather jacket on put not zipped. The open space shows most of the Pokeball. Has blue jeans with black sneakers. Blue eyes.

Personality: A fairly laid back kid. Can be competitive. Has a temper sometimes and will be strict when needed. A unique personality but rarely shows it. A quick learner and quick thinker. When he has to make an important decision though, it takes awhile but, his answer is almost always correct. He was a child who could piece things pretty quickly. He never made many friends and didn't interact. Most people say because of his father but, that's not the reason. He was never really social because he wanted to be a bit more independent. He knew he would have to find a friend sometime though.

Home Town: Vintage Town

Biography: Alan's dad dabbled in the archeologist area, but was a scientist. He studied a set of ruins he discovered when Alan was 10. He named it the Oric Ruins. The day he found it he saw a Pokemon in the sky. It was pink and cat-like. He thought it was Mew but wasn't proven true since only he saw it and didn't take picture. His father was the one who made Aura Balls, but for a high price, after Alan found the first one. Alan's mother runs the daycare. Alan's mother left one day to do errands and left his dad in charge when Alan was 12. That day his dad found an egg. It was a brown and tan egg with a fur-like pattern. Next week, he was mysteriously murdered with no evidence of the sort. His mother kept the egg ever since.
The day after he died Alan watched over the ruins because he felt like should, having his father being the one to discover it, and called himself it's "Aura Guardian" because of the fact he sometimes hears weird voices and strange blue lights at night. He didn't know exactly what he was protecting it from, but he felt there was something.
Though he tries not to show it he feels like crying every day since his father died. He never went to school, but was home schooled. His favorite subject was myths and auras and things of that sort. He liked it so much he studied more than he had to. He knew so much about it, he could tell the Northern Lights from an actual aura. That makes him sometimes think if HE has an aura.
Alan heard about the Gyms of the Furoh Region. He wanted to beat them to get the winner's prize. He thought it might help him protect the Ruins so he planned on going to try to beat the Gyms soon. His great partner Riolu agrees with it too.

Class: Trainer

Important events: 10, Dad discovered Oric Ruins. 11, Alan met Riolu. 12, Dad Found egg. 12, Dad died. 12, Alan desired to protect the Ruins. 16, Alan desires to go to Furoh.

Starting Pokemon: Riolu lvl 10, Zorua lvl 4, Sneasel lvl 3, Houndour lvl 3

Riolu: His great partner. Once when Alan was 11, he found a room in the Oric Ruins with a shrine in the middle. On it was a statue of a Lucario meditating. In it's lap was a strange Pokeball. It was dark blue on the top and light blue on the bottom. It had a black line going around it vertically along with the horizontal one every Pokeball had. Inside Alan found a Riolu who had been with him ever since.

Dark types (Zorua, Sneasel, Houndour): Alan sometimes finds Dark Type Pokemon wandering towards the Oric Ruins. They look hypnotized, though. Alan caught some, trying to help but after a few there were too many. Alan guessed the odd Ruins had something to do with the Dark Type Pokemon's strange behavior but couldn't be sure. Even if it was the cause, he wasn't sure why or how.

Vintage Town: A town on an unnamed island a little off of Furoh's main island. Though unnamed, they call it Vintage Island because most of the small island is engulfed by Vintage Town. A little off of Vintage Town is Oric Ruins. This is home to the famous scientist Jake Wolf and his wife Amy Wolf, who owns a Pokemon Daycare. The town is fairly average, not including some things here and there. It protected by a strange mystical power that won't let people planning to hurt Vintage Town to see it, much less go there. That's a good thing considering it's right between Furoh's Mainland, Fidona, Charizard Isle, and Windwhisper Island. It has a flaw though, as long as they don't plan to harm Vintage Town, evil people can see and come to it.

Oric Ruins: Ruins by Vintage Town. Discovered by Jake Wolf, there is not much known about it. Even Jake Wolf and his family don't know much about it. Some people say they see blue light coming from the Ruins at night. Inside is a few rooms. One is a room with a shrine with a meditating Lucario on it. Another has a Mew on it. In that room there's hieroglyphics on the walls that look like an unknown story about Mew.

Items:
Charcoal
Black Glasses
Black Belt
Nevermelt Ice
Aura Ball

What is the biscuit's name? The answer is Sceheherazade

This post has been edited by KingAlan: Jun 7 2012, 05:25 AM
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Toogee
post Jun 3 2012, 07:53 PM
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Denied. You need to add the Age and Hometown fields. More importantly, you need to expand on the appearance, personality, and Biography. Go back to the Profile template and read the second post.

An egg with a V on it? It sounds like Victini. Sorry, but you can't have legendaries.

What's an Aura trainer? THat's an example of something you can explain in the Bio.

Normally, I wouldn't comment on items, but why is he carrying a bunch of rocks on his cross-country journey? Also, why the masterball? Those are pretty rare, so you'll need to explain as to how and why he has one.



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KingAlan
post Jun 3 2012, 08:31 PM
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Fixed it.
And why aren't we allowed to have legendarys? I mean I get the fact no legends from the begining and don't have like 20 but i mean like in the middle of it and only 1 and partners can't get a legendary.
If you look at appearence it tells you he's 16
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post Jun 3 2012, 10:10 PM
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Legendaries are just too powerful to simply be caught or befriended into one's team. Having everyone running around with Mews and Victinis would be borderline G-modding and would ruin the mystique of their legends.

As for the profile, you have a unique appearance detail that I wish you would incorporate throughout his profile: he hasn't reached puberty. How does this affect him? For appearance, does he look like a giant boy, seeing that his body hasn't made the changes to become a young man? For personality, does being considered a boy by society affect him in any way? Does he act like a boy? For bio, high school muct have been a pain for someone who looks like the tallest kid in middle school. Was he still able to make friends? Perhaps his journey to Furoh is that of self-discovery, trying to become a man. It's stuff like that that I'd like to see.

Personality: Still too short. What motivates him? Please write in complete sentences.

Bio: I feel you write more about his parents than Alan himself. I want to read more about Alan's life.

Where's Vintage Town? If you created the town, please tell us about it in the bio. Surely it's kinda important to Alan's childhood.

Again, please write in complete sentences and check spelling in a word processor.


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Kamaitachi
post Jun 3 2012, 10:25 PM
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Profile is still denied.

Typically, we like to see a bit more in the personality section. If, for instance, you say that he has a 'unique' personality, we'd like to know what you think 'unique' implies, even if he rarely shows it. Of course you'll develop that over the course of roleplays, but we like to know that you've put a good amount of initial thought into a character before he's admitted.

Even though "16" is stated in Appearance, it's still nice to have it as its own separate category, as it helps us with organization and statistics.

For these sections, I would go through some of the accepted profiles in order to see what sort of things we're looking for.

As for history, I'm confused on several aspects:

1.) If he's the guardian of the Oric Ruins, why would he leave and travel to Furoh, where the roleplay takes place? It's an entirely different continent, so I'd like to see a good reason as to why he abandoned his post as guardian.

2.) Aura is a cool power. However, he sometimes hears weird voices and sees strange blue lights at night usually indicates that he doesn't quite know what Aura is, therefore he wouldn't be able to call himself an "Aura Guardian". His aura abilities seem to happen at random, rather than conciously, which would imply that he doesn't quite understand his own power, let alone know what it was called.

3.) I'm still denying the Master Ball, as it's very overpowered in this RP.

4.) We don't allow legendaries as we consider it a sense of fairness across the roleplays. Legendaries are only to be encountered, not captured in PANE, as it would greatly upset the balance in PANE. We don't go by statistics, and the Legendaries are meant to represent very powerful beings. A chance to encounter a Legendary is granted either through Mass-Event RPs or as prizes in the Fanfiction Contests, but we typically disallow capture.

5.) I take issue with having 17 rare candies. Levels are awarded at the end of roleplays according to Participation, Skill and Battles, wherein you can receive up to 15 per roleplay, distributed amongst your pokemon as you see fit (no more than 10 per pokemon per rp). A rare candy completely bypasses that system for free levels, which is something we can, unfortunately, not allow. Again, this is for the sake of fairness across the rp.
6.) You list that he has four pokemon, but never once explain in his history as to how Alan met them. Were they gifts from his parents? Did he catch them? What's the story behind them. Many roleplayers in PANE opt to give their pokemon distinct personalities, and keep track of their movesets in their profile, which is a great organizational tool. I notice, also, that 75% of Alan's pokemon are of the dark type. Is he particularly fond of them? Is that what he grew up around? Expound on this in the history as well.

I'd like to see all of this expanded upon before I grant approval. If that's problematic, then you may want to check the "General Roleplay", where the rules for the individual roleplays are a bit more relaxed. I'd, personally, rather see you enjoy yourself rather than tear your hair out trying to conform to our standards.

Please let me know if you've any further questions; I'd be more than happy to help.


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KingAlan
post Jun 4 2012, 04:12 PM
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How about now? And I think why he left is something better put in the actual rp.


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Kamaitachi
post Jun 4 2012, 10:53 PM
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I fear I'm being a stickler with this, but here goes:

QUOTE(Toogee)
As for the profile, you have a unique appearance detail that I wish you would incorporate throughout his profile: he hasn't reached puberty. How does this affect him? For appearance, does he look like a giant boy, seeing that his body hasn't made the changes to become a young man? For personality, does being considered a boy by society affect him in any way? Does he act like a boy? For bio, high school must have been a pain for someone who looks like the tallest kid in middle school. Was he still able to make friends? Perhaps his journey to Furoh is that of self-discovery, trying to become a man. It's stuff like that that I'd like to see.


QUOTE(Toogee)
Bio: I feel you write more about his parents than Alan himself. I want to read more about Alan's life.


QUOTE(Kamaitachi)
2.) Aura is a cool power. However, he sometimes hears weird voices and sees strange blue lights at night usually indicates that he doesn't quite know what Aura is, therefore he wouldn't be able to call himself an "Aura Guardian". His aura abilities seem to happen at random, rather than conciously, which would imply that he doesn't quite understand his own power, let alone know what it was called.


Those points still need to be addressed.

On my end, I'd still like to see the reason for his departure disclosed in the bio. Yes, it can be mentioned in the roleplay, and yes, it can be expanded upon there, but even just a line or two for his leaving is a good indication as to the initial path your character will take.

With the new changes in your bio, it will need to be edited and changed around. Now that he no longer carries a masterball, it makes no sense for it to be in Alan's bio that he received one. There is no mention as to what became of the egg, let alone how long ago Alan's father was murdered. Is this something that plays into Alan's story? Like perhaps why he left being Guardian of the ruins?

As for the pokemon, well done on Riolu. Now he has a little history (That you can honestly also mention in your bio to give it some girth). As for the Dark Types, now I'm confused as to why they appear hypnotized. I understand that you want to expand this in the roleplay, but it's something we mods need to see here. Remember that in a roleplay, you'll know this information, we'll know this information, but more importantly: Alan will know this information and no one else will. Revealing a secret here in the bio is fine, considering the dramatic irony as no other characters will know. The secret will be kept, we mods just need to know what it is so we can approve or deny.

I'll approve Vintage Town and Oric Ruins as locations, if you give me more of a description. If you need help understanding what sort of description I'm looking for, please check the Region Map section (Scroll down a bit for a more in-depth map and descriptions). Now I understand it's geography, but I'd like to know what makes Vintage Town and the Ruins Special. Also give me an idea as to precisely where on the Furoh Map it is.


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KingAlan
post Jun 5 2012, 03:58 PM
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Edited


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Kamaitachi
post Jun 5 2012, 04:33 PM
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You're gonna hate me.

Things you've done:
-You've given a reason as to why he left the Oric Ruins. Thank you.

-You explained that the Oric Ruins have an odd effect on Dark Pokemon. That's enough for me, honestly. I'm sure you'll develop that more through roleplay.

Now, things you still have to do before the profile is approved:
-Bio: It's still more about his father than it is about him. Alan is 16 years old, but we don't have any mention of his 16 years of life prior to his father being murdered. This is a major part of the profile, and we need to know more about Alan's life. Understandably, his Father's death and the discovery of Oric Ruins is important, but we have no idea when those things happened in Alan's life and how they affected him. We know three things:

1.) Jake Wolf discovers Oric Ruins.
2.) Jake Wolf dies after finding an egg.
3.) Alan Wolf decides to become the Aura Guardian of Oric Ruins.

Small changes like: "When Alan was 10, Jake Wolf discovered the Oric Ruins.", "Jake Wolf was murdered when Alan was 14.". "Alan decided to guard the ruins for _____________ reason." "Alan guarded the ruins for two years from..."

Also, now that I think about it: What is he guarding the ruins from if most people can't get to Vintage Island?

-You've still ignored Toogee's request to clarify on his appearance. I'll repost it again in case you missed it:

QUOTE(Toogee)
As for the profile, you have a unique appearance detail that I wish you would incorporate throughout his profile: he hasn't reached puberty. How does this affect him? For appearance, does he look like a giant boy, seeing that his body hasn't made the changes to become a young man? For personality, does being considered a boy by society affect him in any way? Does he act like a boy? For bio, high school must have been a pain for someone who looks like the tallest kid in middle school. Was he still able to make friends? Perhaps his journey to Furoh is that of self-discovery, trying to become a man. It's stuff like that that I'd like to see.


-You still have not explained Aura Guardian, his understanding of Aura, or how he even knows that he has Aura powers. I still don't understand how his aura abilities happen 'sometimes', but he knows it well enough to refer to himself as an "Aura Guardian".

-How long ago was his father's murder?

-There is no Elite Four in Furoh.

-You still have no pointed out where specifically Vintage Town and the Oric Ruins are on the Furoh Map. I can't approve it if we know where it is. "A little off Furoh's Main Island" could be anywhere around the Main Island. More specifically, what already existing Furoh Landmarks is Vintage Island close to?

-I'm skeptical that the island can only be seen by a few people and pokemon. All new areas added to PANE are to be accessible by all members' characters. I can't approve an area that's for some people only.

I hope you don't think I'm doing this to be mean. I, honestly, want you to flesh out the profile and give yourself a very good starting point before going into the roleplays. You have some fun ideas, but they feel slapped together at random rather than carefully thought out. It would not be fair of me in the least to let things like Vintage Island exist if only a few people could get there, or let Alan Wolf into the roleplay world when other members have taken the time to clearly read the rules, the region history, etc, before launching a profile. It really just feels like you're trying to squeeze by the with bare minimum of work, and I can't allow that.

The profile is again denied until all above points are addressed. Do not post that it has been 'fixed' or 'edited' until all edits are complete.


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KingAlan
post Jun 5 2012, 06:17 PM
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I tried to do everything you asked. I think I did pretty good this time. So, I probbably fixed it.
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Kamaitachi
post Jun 7 2012, 02:04 AM
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I think we have a misunderstanding.

The timeline is a nice touch, but that needs to go in the bio, with slightly more detail. So, instead of creating a separate category, integrate it into the biography.

For example, when you write: "His mother left one day to do errands and left his dad in charge. That day he found an egg. It was a brown and tan egg with a fur-like pattern. Shortly after finding the egg, he was mysteriously murdered with no evidence of the sort."

Try: "One day, when Alan was 12, his mother left to do errands, leaving his Dad in charge. His Dad found a brown and tan egg with a fur-like pattern, but was murdered shortly after its discovery."

On this same note, I want you to look closely at your writing. "His mother left one day to do errands and left his dad in charge. That day he found an egg. It was a brown and tan egg with a fur-like pattern. Shortly after finding the egg he was mysteriously murdered with no evidence of the sort."

This makes it sound like Alan found the egg and was murdered, which is why your biography gets so confusing.

The biography as a whole is very disjointed and has no sense of time. I'd like you, to instead of just adding and subtracting lines, to re-write it with a definite chronology, and more of a focus on Alan's life. I want you to organize it so that it makes more sense. Right now, your order has things like: His dad was murdered. His dad also enjoyed archeology and discovered ruins. Small changes like mentioning the discovery of the Oric Ruins BEFORE you mention that his Dad died makes all the difference in understanding the biography clearly.

PLEASE spell check your work. Write it in Microsoft Word or something first, as the sentence fragments, misspellings and grammatical errors make it very hard to read. We want to be able to follow along. Not to mention, your roleplay grades will suffer, leading to fewer levels for your pokemon at the end of each roleplay.

Now...you've fixed a few things, but unfortunately, they raise more questions. Also, upon re-reading the profile, I found more discrepancies:

If Jake Wolf died while Alan was 12, but Alan didn't discover the Aura Ball until he was 15...how did Alan's dad make Aura balls while he was alive? There's a plot-hole that makes no sense.

Blue eyes that seem reddish from afar seems...really cool. But why does that happen? Usually, from afar, you can't even tell what colour peoples eyes are at all. Not to mention, Blue and Red are very different colours, how can people perceive his eyes as red from a distance and blue up close?

You've briefly explained that Alan studied Myths and Aura in school, but it still doesn't quite bridge the gap between knowing that Aura exists and to being an "Aura Guardian". It warrants a lot more explanation, of which you're leaving out.

Vintage Island keeps out Bad/evil people? What constitutes as Bad or Evil? What if a Good character has to do Evil things? What if an Evil character has been passing for a good character? One character in PANE is actively a member of a criminal organization. My character, for instance, is a good guy, but did some really bad things in his past. Does that make him evil and unable to see/visit Vintage Island? Again, that sort of exclusivity to geographical areas in PANE doesn't float well with me. If you create an area for PANE, it needs to be accessible to everyone.

My suggestion, before this gets even more complicated, is to start the profile over, that way you don't keep writing yourself into a corner every time I ask for something to be changed. Each time you answer my questions, you inspire more questions by answering them vaguely. I'd suggest that you explain things in detail here in the biography, just so we know that you have a solid understanding of it before it appears in roleplays. Remember, again, that we mods will know it, you will know it, and Alan as a character will know it. No other characters in Furoh will know Alan's secrets, because they haven't met him yet.. We mods need to be able to see it to make sure that you're not going to upset any fairness in PANE, or change any of the established histories without our approval. It's our job to make sure that PANE runs smoothly as well as fairly, which is why we ask for detailed profiles.

I know this is tedious, but we expect a high level of writing skill and roleplaying ability from our members. You may want to spend some time reading the roleplays already in PANE, as well as reading over several people's profiles to understand what we're looking for in an accepted profile.

I'm also worried that PANE may not be the roleplaying forum for you. My instincts tell me that you wouldn't enjoy your roleplaying with us, because quite frankly, from your profile, I can tell that you'll be receiving poor grades at the end of rps, meaning your character will gain fewer levels to distribute amongst his pokemon. Also, from a few of your questions on other parts of our PANE Sub-Forum, it's clear that you haven't quite read through enough of the Rules/Regulation board topics to understand precisely what happens in Furoh.

I would definitely try joining one of the less strict roleplays in the General Roleplay forum.

If you're absolutely insistent on joining PANE, then please redo the profile, starting over from the beginning with a coherent, more well-planned biography. Write clearly, with proper grammar and spelling, and pay close attention to the story you're trying to tell.

Then, I'd like you to submit a roleplay sample, including a battle scene.

So, profile is still denied.


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KingAlan
post Jun 7 2012, 05:26 AM
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I've hopefully edited to your requirements, so where do i post the sample you want?


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Toogee
post Jun 7 2012, 06:14 AM
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Put the sample under your profile.

Also, I suggested it before, but I think it needs repeating. Please write in complete sentences. "Blue eyes" is not a sentence. Rather than simply write "He has blue eyes", try writing more complex sentences. For example: "His blue eyes shine like sapphires in the morning light." Also, your bio could use a bit more organization. It jumps back and forth in time and makes it pretty hard to follow. I'm kinda tired right now, so I can't really offer anymore suggestions other than what eveyone else has said.

We're used to seeing at least a high school level of writing skills in our RPs. Like Kamaitachi said, if this is your first RP, perhaps the General Roleplay subforum would be a better place to start.


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KingAlan
post Jun 7 2012, 06:28 AM
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I'M DONE WITH THIS!! JUST BECAUSE IT'S NOT PERFECT AND IT'S NOT HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL WRITING, MOSTLY BECAUSE I'M NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL, I CAN'T RP IN THE PLACE I WANT TO RP??? I HAVE TO RP IN SOME CRAP PLACE??? SCREW THIS!!!

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Sorry, after a cooldown, I realized I was angry and harsh. Writing is hard for me and I hate it. It just get pissed when I want to write something, finally, but I can't.

This post has been edited by KingAlan: Jun 11 2012, 01:09 PM
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KingAlan
post Jun 10 2012, 07:00 PM
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Sorry, disregard this post.

This post has been edited by KingAlan: Jun 11 2012, 01:09 PM


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