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Blaine Ryukiba, Or Ryukiba Blaine
robwar389
post Feb 22 2014, 05:06 PM
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Name: English style: Blaine Ryukiba. (Ryukiba means “dragon fang” when translated from Japanese, and it’s pronounced ree-you-kee-ba.) Japanese style: Ryukiba Blaine.
Age: 15
Hometown: Unknown. He was raised away from most people.

Appearance: Classic combination of blonde hair, blue eyes, and a light skin tone. He’s right around 6’ tall. He’s also fairly lean. He keeps his semi-curly hair fairly short, no longer than it is when it touches his ears.
Wears black tights, black boots that go up to his calf, black socks, black long-sleeve muscle shirt, etc. Also wears a black cloak with a hood. His cloak has pockets. Sometimes has his hood up, and when he does, he’ll often have a mask on as well. The only thing he wears that isn’t black is a bright red scarf. He has several copies of his preferred outfit, each one exactly the same as the next.
When you try to imagine him, think ninja. ninja.gif

Personality: Slightly insane, short tempered, and can be very annoying. On the other hand, he’s incredibly smart, and has a liking for helping out. He really loves Pokemon. In fact, he prefers Pokemon over humans. Somehow able to understand Pokemon and translate, word for word.

Biography: Was raised alongside a group of oddly ninja-like Pokemon, but didn't see many other humans besides his parents. Was trained in some unusual skills, such as stealth. He got his Froakie as a gift from his parents. Soon afterward it was found that he could speak the language of Pokemon, and was therefore asked rather often to act as a translater. He captured the Nincada when he was 12. He raised his Pokemon carefully, giving them what they needed. They have become his closest friends.

Class: Trainer

Starting Pokemon:
Sneak, male Froakie, level 10
Nin, male Nincada, Level 10

Items: Map, 10 Potions, 5 Super Potions, 10 Poke Balls, 2 Revives

What is the biscuit's name? The answer is... Scheherazade
Other Notes: Very skillful at stealth, and can even seem to disappear. Usually lets Sneak stay out in the open.
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Toogee
post Feb 23 2014, 10:19 AM
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Personality and Bio sections should be expanded. I'll have specific explanations, but here are some general guidelines:

QUOTE
Personality: This one is perhaps the most difficult section for most (for me at least). Luckily, you’re reading this, so you should be OK wink.gif. This section will particularly help when you’re starting to RP your character, so make it good wink.gif.

What is your character like? Does he/she like people or more of a loner? If he/she is nice, throw in some scenarios as to how they would react. If a friend is sad, what does your character do? If there’s a dangerous situation, how does he/she react? What interests your character? What does he/she dislike? Also, add explanation to specify how and why they act in a particular way.

Biography: This is the story of your character’s life. In short, this is the section to explain characteristics in your character’s appearance, personality, and pokemon team. Try and keep it in chronological order, as if you’re writing a story.

A good place to start would be childhood. Was he/she raised in a good home? How did your character spend his/her days? This is likely the period where your character’s most defining characteristics formed, so don’t exclude this section.

Next, when did they decide to pursue a life as a trainer, coordinator, etc? Was there a major event that led to this decision, or was it more gradual? This may be a good time to explain how your character met his/her pokemon team.

Finally, if your character is not a native, why did he/she decide to go to Furoh? There has to be some reason, so include it.


Now, specifics:

Personality: What does "slightly insane" mean? Does Blaine have a personality disorder? Is he schizophrenic? Does he need medication to treat himself? How is he annoying? One or two word descriptors aren't going to cut it here. Please elaborate.

Pokemon translation is generally not allowed. If any translation occurs, it is generally by a psychic pokemon who can communicate telepathically. Very few people can do such things, so I'm hesitant to allow it here, especially if you can't provide a reason as to why or how he can communicate.

Bio: There are a lot of holes here. Why was he raised away from society? Why with ninja-like pokemon? Why ninjas at all? Why did his parents train him in "unusual skills"? Why did his parents let their son out into the world, considering he is "slightly insane, short tempered, very annoying," has had no previous contact with the general public, and is dressed as a ninja? You clearly have a lot more going on here than what you've posted. Post the rest please.

While his hometown may be unknown, is it at least in Furoh? If not, you should also mention why he moved to a completely different continent.


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robwar389
post Feb 24 2014, 04:10 PM
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If you don't like it now, I probably made it worse or missed something.

Name: English style: Blaine Ryukiba. (Ryukiba means “dragon fang” when translated from Japanese, and it’s pronounced ree-you-kee-ba.) Japanese style: Ryukiba Blaine.
Age: 15
Hometown: Unknown. He was raised away from most people. It was somewhere in a forest within Furoh.

Appearance: Classic combination of blonde hair, blue eyes, and a light skin tone. He’s right around 6’ tall. He’s also fairly lean. He keeps his semi-curly hair fairly short, no longer than it is when it touches his ears.
Wears black tights, black boots that go up to his calf, black socks, black long-sleeve muscle shirt, etc. Also wears a black cloak with a hood. His cloak has pockets. Sometimes has his hood up, and when he does, he’ll often have a mask on as well. The only thing he wears that isn’t black is a bright red scarf. He has several copies of his preferred outfit, each one exactly the same as the next.

Personality: Slightly insane(as in, he doesn't always act rationally), short tempered, and can be very annoying(as in, he simply seems to have a talent for bugging other people... Sometimes because of his awful jokes). On the other hand, he’s incredibly smart, and has a liking for helping out. He really loves Pokemon. In fact, he prefers Pokemon over humans. Somehow able to understand Pokemon and translate, word for word. This is possibly because of an odd medallion he keeps in a pocket. That is considered to be a possibility because once he lost the medallion, and until he found it again, he couldn't understand anything more than the general idea of what Pokemon said to him. As in, "I THINK he's trying to say he wants food. Either that, or he's in a bad mood. Maybe both."

Biography: He was born to a family of spies/teachers/martial artists/you name it. Was raised alongside a group of oddly ninja-like Pokemon, but didn't see many other humans besides his parents. Was trained in some unusual skills, such as stealth. He got his Froakie as a gift from his parents. Soon afterward it was found that he could speak the language of Pokemon, and was therefore asked rather often to act as a translater. He captured the Nincada when he was 12. He raised his Pokemon carefully, giving them what they needed. They have become his closest friends. He headed out to try and find Legendary Pokemon, especially Thundurus, Dialga, and other Legendaries he likes. And to find his parents. His parents were loath to let him leave, but they headed out for supplies one day and never came back.

Class: Trainer

Starting Pokemon:
Sneak, male Froakie, level 10
Nin, male Nincada, Level 10

Items: Map, 10 Potions, 5 Super Potions, 10 Poke Balls, 2 Revives

What is the biscuit's name? The answer is... Scheherazade
Other Notes: Very skillful at stealth, and can even seem to disappear. Usually lets Sneak stay out in the open.
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Kamaitachi
post Feb 24 2014, 10:55 PM
Post #4


I'm dying to see how this one ends.
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Hello! Friendly neighborhood Kamai stepping in, if you don't mind!

I don't think you made it worse, to be honest. I think you have some good ideas that need some rearranging, and just a little more thought to make them all work together nicely.

Here are my suggestions.

Hometown: There is a map of Furoh "HERE"
Furoh is a continent, and continents tend to be very large. Where specifically is this forest? For instance, there are 124 State Forests in New Hampshire, which is quite a small state in the US.

Appearance:
He has several copies of his pereferred outfit? How does he carry them all around when he travels? That's a large suitcase for a Ninja happy.gif

Personality:
We still do need a little more on personality. I still don't like the use of "Slightly Insane" because acting irrationally and being insane are two entirely different things.

Awful jokes is a great personality quirk. I'd love to see more things like that.

So, between Toogee's critiques, and your update, I feel like you've just tacked a few things here and there, rather than re-organizing.

"Somehow able to understand Pokemon and translate, word for word." and "This is possibly because of an odd medallion."

You would have to go into detail and re-organize those thoughts, and even then it's still iffy that we'd allow it. Talking Pokemon and People who can speak Pokemon is a huge rarity. Admittedly, we really only allow them when someone has shown that they can put a great deal of thought into their character, and into their roleplaying. For me, if I see that someone doesn't take critiques well, or just tacks on new ideas rather than re-thinking the old ones, I'm even more hesitant to allow such special abilities.

Also, Being able to talk to POkemon is not part of someone's personality. It's an ability, and probably better put in the "Other Notes" and explained in the Biography as to how he's able to do it.

Biography:
His parents are...what exactly? I name it? Well, I want them to be non-ninja, non-martial arts, non-sneaky accountants.

The reason we want the bio is so that you 'name it', so that we can get a better picture of the story. If I named it, it wouldn't be the story you're creating, right?

It was "Discovered" that he could speak the language of Pokemon...which is hundreds of individual languages. The medallion, from personality, is never once mentioned in the biography.

"He raised his Pokemon carefully, giving them what they needed." is a really broad statement. This is a great place to expand upon what Blaine is like as a person, by giving specific detail as to how he raised his Pokemon.

"He headed out to find Legendary Pokemon", but then to find his parents? When were his parents kidnapped? Where was Blaine when it happened? Why did Blaine wait to decide to find Legendaries before setting out to find his parents? Also, if his parents needed to be found, why were they loathe to let him leave?

It's not a bad story, albeit a common one, but at the same time, it looks like some reorganizing to make it more coherent should be in order.

I know it's time consuming, but I suggest starting from scratch and working your way through it to make sure all of the elements and plot points line up. I know my critique may have come off as a little harsh, but it's because I see some good writing talent and some good storytelling that just needs to be fleshed out a little more.

Cheers,
Kamai


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Toogee
post Feb 24 2014, 11:18 PM
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OK, so you added some stuff. However, it really feels like a bunch of notes jotted down. I'll have specific suggestions, but I really want you to rewrite the whole thing with complete sentences and reread to see if it makes sense and sounds good. Here's some specifics:

I was only entertaining the idea of Blaine understanding pokemon based on your writing ability. Yes, you gave a reason, but your reason needs reasons. All I have is that there's a medallion involved and it is odd. I really don't want to approve the ability at all, mostly because it just feels tacked onto your profile to make Blaine unique. You're going to have to work a bit harder to convince me otherwise.

In the bio, again, it feels like you wrote down notes. "He was born to a family of spies/teachers/martial artists/you name it." Elaborate. It seems you're really trying to create Furoh's first ninja clan. You can't put that in one sentence. This seems to be a major part of Blaine's history. This could also help explain why Blaine was kept away from society. Don't you want to say more? There's no story behind them?

Most of the major events of his life are relegated to a single sentence. He received Froakie as a gift. A gift for what? This is a major point in his life: he gained his first pokemon, his partner for the rest of his life. He learned his primary skill of stealth, but we're not given any details as to who taught him or why or how. Is there nothing else you want to add? Each sentence in your bio could easily be a paragraph if you wanted them to. There's no word limit here at PANE. Let loose.

Finally, his missing parents seem to be an afterthought. The last three sentences read like this:

"I'm going to find all the legendaries! And maybe after a couple, I might find out what happened to my parents who disappeared mysteriously. Not really sure. We'll see after I find Lugia or something."

If that is what you intended, by all means, run with it. Something tells me it wasn't. To get the most out of PANE, you really have to enjoy writing. Don't limit yourself with single sentence descriptors.


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