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Sven Blues
United
post Dec 21 2013, 09:12 PM
Post #1


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Description: Sven Blues is a 2 meters tall boy at the age of 16. He is brawny and not really welcome-looking. He wears a suit. People wonder why he always walks around with a suit, and his facial hair just helps him to look like 20 years or more. He has black hair and brown eyes, and a scar above his left eyebrow.

Biography: Why did Sven wait until 16 to start training pokemon? Well, it's kind of a funny story. In short words, he was accused of robbery. He was sentenced to stay in a reformatory for 2 years, because the amount of money that disappeard was not small deal. But although his scary look and tall body, he actually is kind hearted. He was accused for no reason just because he was there. As time passed, Sven decided that wearing a suit would make him seem more "normal", and he was left with kind of a trauma. If he can, he wears suit. He started off in Pallete Town, and actually caught his first pokemon at Cerulean. There, he stumbled upon a Mantine raid, and he caught one, using five pokeballs. Not to mention, he is horrible at pokemon catching. Still, he loves his Mantine and together they started a great journey.
Sometimes, the police will hold him down and talk to him, because everyone still thinks he was the thief, but he doesn't mind and just goes on with his water partner. He also has excellent fighting skills coming from Taekwondo, and skirmishes in the reformatory. He has good understanding of the human's anatomy and his tools are his hands. His parents, weren't very good. They cut all the lashes with him and claimed Sven not their son. So now, Sven is alone in the wild. He doesn't fear though, because he only needs himself to survive.
Oh! And while he doesn't have a great reputation as a trainer, he works as cook in any restaurant he finds. His reputation did grow in there. He is known for his well cooking.


Starter:
Mantyke lv7


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Don't read this, read the post below! Hahaha grin.gif


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Kamaitachi
post Dec 23 2013, 02:05 PM
Post #2


I'm dying to see how this one ends.
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Group: RP Moderators
Posts: 1 861
Joined: 22-December 09
From: Washington, DC
Member No.: 77 254

Taggarty Lee



Hello!

First order of business: Please use the profile template specified Here!

Secondly, you can start with two Pokemon up to a combined level of 20, with no pokemon starting higher than Level 10. There is no need to handicap yourself here, so at the very least, you can raise Mantyke's level to 10.

Your appearance section could use a little more detail, if you don't mind. What sort of suit does Sven wear? How does he keep his hair? Is he brawny like...muscular, stocky, etc? How did he get the scar above his left eyebrow?

Biography: These are some suggestions to help you flesh it out.
What was Sven's life like before he was 16? Most trainers start their journey at 10 or 11, so when did he go to reformatory, and why didn't he start when he was 10?

If he is kind hearted, what sort of robbery did he attempt to commit? Theft and Robbery are two different things, and 2 years reformatory is a serious punishment. How did he attempt the robbery? What were his means? What was his tartget? If he was accused for no reason, how was he still sent to jail if there was no proof? What happened to make him get sent to reformatory if he was innocent?

Trauma is a loaded word. How does he cope with his trauma? What induced the trauma?

You mention Mantine in the biography, but it's Mantyke in the profile. As Mantine is not a viable starter option, I would suggest changing the biography to reflect this.

When did he learn Taekwondo?

How did he gain a good understanding of human anatomy?

His parents weren't good and cut ties...what else were they like? We can see how Sven was raised, we can get a good idea of him too.

He doesn't fear? He doesn't fear what? Anything? Everyone fears something.

What sort of food does he like to cook?

How did he end up in Furoh if he started over in Pallet Town?

Where is Sven originally from?

And lastly, before I can even consider the profile for acceptance,

What is the biscuit's name? (The answer to this question will prove that you've read the rules for PANE.)


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United
post Dec 24 2013, 01:13 PM
Post #3


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Float Squad



Thanks for replying!!! Here's what I wrote after thinking about it better! happy.gif


Name: Sven Blues
Age:16
Hometown: Pallet Town

Appearance: 2 meters. brawny. Has a scar above left eyebrow. Caucasian, black hair and eyes. His scar above the left eyebrow was produced by the explosion when he was a child. He works out his body oftenly and wears a blue t-shirt with long camo trousers. He also has a black necklace with a pendant ressembling an anchor. It is a token given by his sailor friends.

Personality: Sven's not really kind hearted, but he likes to do things right. He usually puts important things before himself, and even other people. The problem is, sometimes he might sound uncaring, but he actually thinks a lot about people and his surroundings. He's horrible at expressing his feelings.

Biography: Sven was born in Pallet town in a relatively poor family. Since child, his hobby was to walk around town and observe different pokemon, even though in Pallet there were little to no species. His house was near the small pond next to the lab of Prof. Oak, a famous man who was one of the pioneers in the world of information of pokemon.
His life was quite normal. Every day passed like the one before, and he was getting bored. So one day when he was 12, when he wasn't being watched by his parents, he wandered around the outskirts of the town. He had gotten himself a pokeball a local merchant, who didn't care if the buyer was a trainer or not. With the ball in hand, he wanted to try and catch a Ratatta, a very common pokemon in his opinion.
When he arrived at Route 1, he found himself under some big shadow. When he lifted his sight, he was a colossal bird flying around. He was astonished, and then even more when he heard gunfire from behind. He turned around and saw a gang of hunters. They were after this giantic bird. The pokemon wasn't happy at all. The bullets bounced off its golden and rainbow coloured feathers. It opened its mouth and let down a huge ball of soaring flames towards the hunters. They ran away and the explosion sent all of them, including Sven flying.
When he woke up, he was in his house. Some people heard the explosion and went to help. The hunters were captured and he was taken home. His parents weren't happy and grounded him.
Until he was 16, he worked with his dad, moving boxes and stuff. He also attended to Taekwondo classes near him house for the 4 years. He reached black belt quickly, and moving boxes and heavy objects made him look like a worked out person. Unfortunatedly, his like was dull and unfun. He wanted to go on an adventure like every kid. Everytime he saw a new kid go out of town to start his or her adventure, he felt sad. One day, he was told to go to Cerulean Town and help someone to repair a gym. He happily agreed and his parents let him go. When he reached there, he found out that the gym, was actually the gym were trainers fought gym leaders. His passion for pokemon lightened once more when he saw trainers training their pokemon near Mt. Moon and people fighting at the Nugget Bridge. So he made the strangest thing he thought it could be. He ran away.
He ran directly away from the city, and went to Vermillion. On his way, he found a baby Mantyke left behind by a huge raid of Mantines. His heart sank when he saw the small mantyke struggling to move on the floor, just a meter away from the water. He took out his long rusted pokeball and captured it. After that, he took after it everyday, and became great friends with it.
From Vermillion, he sneaked into a ship towards Unova. In that ship, he was spotted by some sailormen, but they didn't mind and made him stay with them, but he had to help of course, they couldn't let someone like Sven just sit there with that strength he had.
After some time in the sea, Sven learnt how to fight even better thanks to the sailormen who were tough guys, and his taekwondo skills just got better thanks to his daily training with another sailor who loved martial arts.
In Unova, he arrived at Mistralton City. Where when he was moving things and saying goodbye to his sailor friends, he met a Mime Jr. The little thing was trying to steal food from a box but got stuck upside down in the tall box. Happy, he took a pokeball from a box of pokeballs and captured it. The sailors laughed as they saw how he caught such a "cute" pokemon, but he was happy because... It was incredibly cute. They gave him some money for him to start his journey and in Mistralton, Sven's journey began. He thought about his parents, so he sent a letter telling them he was fine. But he had no means to go back.

Starting Pokemon:
Mantyke lv 10
Mime Jr lv 5
I'm ok with their levels not reaching 20

Items:
Pokeballs x2
Greatball x1
Escape Rope x5
Machete x1
Anchor Charm

The Biscuit's name is Scheherazade! Hahaha


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Kamaitachi
post Dec 27 2013, 01:51 PM
Post #4


I'm dying to see how this one ends.
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Joined: 22-December 09
From: Washington, DC
Member No.: 77 254

Taggarty Lee



Hello!

So, appearance needs more. I'm usually looking for a good paragraph or so. You had more detail in your first attempt, with the suits and stuff.

Personality could be expounded upon too. "Weird person" is a very broad statement, but nothing you've said implies weird.

Biography: I see you've changed a lot of the biography. I think the most bizarre thing is that he chose to run away. There appeared to be no reason to run away, as his life seemed perfectly fine. What drove him to escape to Unova? The biography itself is fine, but it would be nice to see what led up to the decision to run away, other than it was 'a strange decision'. It certainly is strange, but I'd like for readers to understand Sven a little better.


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United
post Dec 27 2013, 02:59 PM
Post #5


Pokémon Trainer
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Group: Newbies
Posts: 4
Joined: 21-December 13
From: Here
Member No.: 212 604

Float Squad



QUOTE(Kamaitachi @ Dec 27 2013, 01:51 PM) *
Hello!

So, appearance needs more. I'm usually looking for a good paragraph or so. You had more detail in your first attempt, with the suits and stuff.

Personality could be expounded upon too. "Weird person" is a very broad statement, but nothing you've said implies weird.

Biography: I see you've changed a lot of the biography. I think the most bizarre thing is that he chose to run away. There appeared to be no reason to run away, as his life seemed perfectly fine. What drove him to escape to Unova? The biography itself is fine, but it would be nice to see what led up to the decision to run away, other than it was 'a strange decision'. It certainly is strange, but I'd like for readers to understand Sven a little better.

Hi! Thanks a again for helping me happy.gif
I added more appareance, and removed the suit because doesn't really make sense. Haha
I added a sentence explaining the only reason he ran away.

Let me know if anything's lacking! Cheers and happy holidays


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Kamaitachi
post Jan 8 2014, 11:43 PM
Post #6


I'm dying to see how this one ends.
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Group: RP Moderators
Posts: 1 861
Joined: 22-December 09
From: Washington, DC
Member No.: 77 254

Taggarty Lee



Hello!

First, sorry for the late reply; I saw that you had updated, and forgot to come back and look it over. My apologies!

So, I'll still need a little bit more in some sections.

I have a question: Sven has a scar above his left eyebrow, and I'm assuming it's a burn scar from his run in with Ho-oh. Shouldn't there be, possibly, more scars from an explosion of that magnitude? Also, what does the scar look like; they tend to come in many shapes and forms (and flavours).

"Oftenly" is not a word. Be very careful when writing these sections, because during RP's, we mods take a lot of care to read what you've written. We do tend to dock points if there are a lot of mistakes in the writing, so please pay careful attention. My suggestion is to write all posts in Microsoft Word, or another program to that effect, and use the spellcheck. You can ignore most of the squiggly lines, because Pokemon-specific terms will often not be recognized.

Personality:
We usually want a good strong paragraph or two. You have some nice ideas that I'd like to see expanded upon.

"Not really kind hearted, but likes to do things right" -> This is a very broad sentence covering two different aspects of a personality. Not very kind hearted implies that he is not one who likes to go about and do good things for the sake of doing good things, which is cool for a PANE character. Likes to do things right implies that he's a perfectionist, or that he likes to see things all the way through. If this is what you meant, then great. Please expand upon it. If it's not what you meant, find a new choice of words, and expand upon it anyways. The more description you give here, the more it will aid you in the roleplays, as you have a solid foundation upon which you build your character.

So, he puts important things before himself and even other people. What exactly is 'important' to Sven? I, for one, find doing groceries important, because I like eating. I tend not to put groceries before other people, though. So, please explain this.

He might sound uncaring, but actually thinks a lot about people? That sounds like kind-hearted to me. Can you explain how he does this while not being kind hearted?

He's horrible at expressing his feelings: Awesome. This is a cool character trait that needs no further explanation.

Biography:
Watch your spelling and your grammar. I don't have a problem following the story, but I do get irritated when I see things that aren't typos. I especially tend to dock points on RP grading because of them. And, as you may have guessed, points in RP Grading = Levels for your Pokemon.

Often times, you can combine some of your sentences for the sake of flow. Perhaps something like: "There were after this gigantic bird. The pokemon wasn't happy at all." could be combined into: "They were after this gigantic bird, which did not seem happy at all." (Though, of course, if the gigantic bird were being chased by anything trying to capture it with guns, would it be happy?)

His dads business is...just moving boxes and stuff?

To my memory, Mistralton is landlocked. I'm not sure a boat could get there. Castelia may be a better choice? Also, if he went to Unova, what is he doing in Furoh, the continent where PANE takes place?

And lastly:

Are you absolutely sure you don't want your levels to reach 20 total? At most, the most you can get is 15 levels per RP. RP's often take months to finish. So, in my mind, you're severely limiting the rate at which your pokemon will grow, learn moves, etc.

Let's say you split your levels evenly from a score of 10/15 -->
Mantyke: 15
Mime Jr: 10

And then the next time, you catch a Pokemon, and get a score of 12/15. The new Pokemon would come it at the average level of your team, so in this case, 13 (12.5 rounded up). If you split levels evenly again, you get:
Mantyke: 19
Mime Jr: 14
New Pokemon: 17

I promise you that it's better to just have both Pokemon starting at Level 10. The levels themselves do not come into play that much in the RP themselves, but it does affect the level at which your Pokemon can learn egg moves and TM moves and the like. I strongly urge you to reconsider.

Cool. Sorry my notes are so lengthy.

Cheers,
Kamai


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